Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Paying it forward

I feel led to share this part of my life. I want to sort of pay it forward. People have been so willing to share their experiences with me and I know that because of their willingness to share...I have been able to sort of evaluate my past and start to close the wounds.

It's funny how God puts us right where we need to be!! Puts people in our lives that help us through. Our ladies Bible study leader looked me in the eyes when just the right words were coming out of her mouth last Wednesday night. Healing....what a wonderful thing!!

July 27, 1979...

Long story short...neither my Mom or Dad was ready for a I ended up living with my Grandparents. I met my Mom for the first time in 2000. I didn't really know what to expect and I have to say it wasn't anything like I had imagined. I remember she came outside and gave me a hug like she had just seen me the day before...when in reality she hadn't seen me since the day she left when I was just a baby. That hug felt empty. We visited for awhile and as I remember feeling happy about meeting my half sisters (which I must say seem like some really great girls!!)....the time spent there was just sort of unreal. I was there...but not really. I remember before we even left the parking lot...Shannon asked me if I was ok...and it hit me like a brick in the face. I just was overwhelming. I guess maybe I thought I would feel different after meeting her...but I only felt worse. The meeting was so...I don't know how to describe felt like it meant nothing to I meant nothing to her. It's not that she wasn't kind to just felt we had seen eachother everyday for the last 21 years...not like a Mother seeing her daughter for the first time in a long time.

I didn't really think about that day much after that. Sure, I would start to think about her and my Dad  and what went on during the short time that I did live with them...but those thoughts would leave even faster than they came. I didn't want to deal with it...I didn't want to hurt. I remember listening to a woman give her testimony at our ladies Bible study. Parts of her story were similar to mine....the thing that struck me was when she compared herself to a dog being dumped at the pound or like trash being taken out. WOW. That was me. And I didn't like that. How could someone do that...especially a Mother to her child??? This jump started my healing process. 

Through Bible studies, prayer, sharing like this, others sharing with me, etc...I am close to being healed. Will I have the scars...yes...but no more gaping wounds.

...Learning the principles of forgiveness-and mustering the courage to choose to forgive-sets us free in ways we never imagined...(from Becoming A Woman Of Extraordinary Faith)

...Everyday God gives us grace and forgiveness that we don't deserve...

...Ephesians 4:31-32
        "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

...Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the door to resentment and the handcuffs of hate. It is a power that breaks the chains of bitterness and the shackles of selfishness...

This isn't intended to hurt anyone put anyone down. I know that things happen...and we carry on. Choices we made in the past don't completely define us as people today. People change and people do their best.

I thank God everyday for taking me out of what could have been a bad situation and putting me somewhere that he knew would be better for me. As much as it saddens me to know that all these years "Mom" and "Dad" haven't been a part of my vocabulary...I am blessed to have a Father who has always been here with me...even when I didn't know it. I am so undeserving but so thankful for his forgiveness and grace. I wouldn't change anything about my as helped me become who I am today. I love being a Mom, a wife. I love that I can share this and not be ashamed. It's life and it's worth sharing...

There are so many kinds of hurt...and I encourage matter how big or small that hurt is...choose to forgive.

I choose to extend grace to you, because God has poured out His grace on me. I choose to release my anger and grudge to God, so I don't need to hold this against you anymore.

...I forgive you



  1. Thanks for posting Nicki! I'm glad that you are getting close to being healed. I can't imagine what a difficult time that you have had. Sending prayers your way!

    Love you,

  2. Thank you for sharing! It is very healing to talk about things as I know it has been for me. Sometimes I have a hard time talking about things but can share what is going on in the written word. I will pray for you as I know the pain you are feeling or felt. You are strong woman!!

  3. Nicki, it is always so beautiful to see how God chooses to work in peoples lives. Thank you for sharing such a beautiful story with us. You have chosen to show us your deepest wounds and I am excited about the healing God is doing in your life. I pray that as you find healing and restoration He will use you in sharing and helping others to find that same power and strength to heal and become whole again. Hugs to you sister, Darci

  4. Your words are those of a very strong person. You may have started out feeling empty, but your life is complete now. Such an amazing person to have taken misfortune and turned it into something very positive. Not to mention setting an example for everyone else to follow.

  5. Your words have touched me in a very positive way. Thank you for sharing. I am in awe of your wisdom and grace. Thank you

  6. Can't believe I missed this one...I'm so glad that even though it hasn't been a long time or huge relevant part of your life that I CAN be part of your story, and I'm so happy to see all the changes in your life in the last 7 or so years that we've been getting to know each other. Even though I wish I would have taken the time in high school to talk to you more I know that it wasn't meant to be until I could really appreciate you and your friendship. Love you girl!